Summer Days FMA Style!
by NoMangaOrAnimeEqualsDead
Summary: Cracky oneshots well, mild crack. Let's put it simple. I'm bored. You're bored. What are we going to do about it? Well I'm creating humorous stories and letting you read it. May be romance in later chapters, depends on YOU the READERS. Except for Royai Day. I'm kinda obliged to do so. Which I will do. On Monday. T for language, slight violence and just paranoia on my part. Enjoy!
1. START!

**I DON'T OWN FMA. JUST THESE IDEAS. THE END.**

**Alright, now that that's done, we can now begin 50 Days of Summer or simply put, Summer Days. A series of possibly related (though mostly not) oneshots filled with crack. Enjoy~! (I will _try _my absolute _hardest_ to update everyday. But I have a very busy summer, so there may be delays, but on those days I'll post the chapters that were supposed to be updated previously so you're all still getting the chapters accordingly).**

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Day 0

The sound of chatter floated up to his window much like the cartoonish smell of sweets would enter a wind to tantalize its victim with its enticing smell. Our very own Mr. Roy Mustang was quite thrilled at the feminine voices. Why, he even broke into song!  
"High school girls, high school girls~!"  
"Sir, a count of pedophilia would derail your track of becoming Fuhrer." Ms. Riza Hawkeye from behind her desk warned him descreetly, though they had their own language. And this statement _clearly _said, "Do your work or I'll shoot."  
Breda and Havoc couldn't help but snicker, that is, until Havoc remembered his commanding officer's plan as Fuhrer. Immediately he began puffing out signals with his cigarette to get him back on track.  
It was only a few seconds later when the elder of the Elric brothers kicked down the door-  
"That's the third time this month Edward..." The blonde woman sighed having heard the stomps down the hallway. What she didn't expect was the sloshing sound of water. Her eyes flicked up to see the older teenager toss water (with the bucket) towards her superior. In a flash she had cleared the desk of paper and narrowly missed the barely alchemically controlled water (also courtesy of the Elric) which bent past her into the flame alchemist's face and body.  
A smug smile only explained the obvious thought, "mission accomplished."  
Fuery, who had been working on his radio again, merely watched as Ed triumphantly walked out of the room after giving the lieutenant his report and gave a sneer to the now "useless" man.  
Steam was practically rising off him as he yelled, "FULL METAAAAL! THIS. IS. WAAAAAR."  
Riza sighed with the thought that crossed her mind, "he still hasn't gotten over the pedophilia comment, has he? Doesn't help much since he's soaked..."

Speaking of the now drenched alchemist (read: useless), he stomped to the coat rack and grabbed his black overcoat.  
Surprised, Riza stood; hand on her gun, "Sir! Where are you going? You haven't finished a single sheet of paperwork!"  
"Lieutenant, I'm escaping. Do not follow after me. That. Is. An. Order." With the final growled out words, he slipped through the door and ran down the hall screaming for his best friend, Hughes.  
"The man has finally lost it..." Hawkeye slumped in her desk in shock.

It was an off day for everyone.

Now going back to the crazed antics, we focus our attention on Mr. Maes Hughes, with the extreme daughter complex...  
He looked up from the desk he'd been leaning on, avidly showing Shiska his latest pictures of Elysia and wandered out to the doorway, curious as to who was screaming his name. He poked his head out and was met with a disastrous scene. A whoosh of blond ran by cackling madly as a man in black and blue followed hot on his tails. What Hughes didn't expect was to have his collar be grasped tightly where he assumed he'd be thrown in the direction of the speeding shorty- I mean yellow haired man given Mustang's stance. "Great. I'm the human missile. Fan-flippin-tastic." Angry muttering gave way to an ominous feeling that spread to about a 50 yard radius causing the rookies to shiver at the malicious feeling. "Hey flame boy! Next time ask before you graaaaaaaAAAB SOMEONE BY THEIR COLLA- ROY STOP SPINNING ME AROUND. I'M NOT A LASSOOOOOOOOOOO!"  
WHAM.

And that would be the sound of our throwing knives specialist hitting a wall, just _barely_ missing the Elric.  
"ROOOOOOY!"  
"Shit."  
Needless to say the hallways of Command Central now had a fascinating new design of knife art. With blue shreds hanging from them.

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**One crack chapter, completed! There'll be about 50 chapters altogether, there may or may not be romance, dunno, depends on what you all want to see~! So yeah, I'm gonna go work on the tomorrow's chapters, hope you all enjoyed!**

**Ja ne!**

**Kaida-chan out~**

**(Happy summer everyone! Check out the Hetalia story I just posted -UsxFemUK- or the Bleach version of Summer Days if you want some more laughs-ish!)**


	2. Circus Fools

Yeah. Don't own FMA/FMAB. Just these ideas.

**Super quick note: I know I said I'd update daily. That's only possible if I had a boatload of time on my hands and a reliable imagination. Both of which are spotty. So I've decided to update every other day (give or take a day) and therefore there'll only be about 25 chapters (give or take a chapter).**

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Day 1: Circus Fools

T'was the first official day of summer for all students, unfortunately, this didn't apply to any of Mustang's team, nor the rest of headquarters. As usual, Maes walked into Mustang's office talking about the latest things his Elysia. The only thing Roy heard in the half hour long speal, was "circus." Obviously, the great Flame Alchemist would love to see such a magnificent show! If he could apply for a short leave and not come back drowning in paperwork that is.

So what better way, than to hold it within the office itself!

This basically marked the end for their meager room in Headquarters…

It really was rather lucky that Riza had her day off. Otherwise they'd all have a bullet hole carving of their panicking selves in the wall.

"THAT COULD BE THE ENDING ACT!" Shouted Havoc (drunk off his ass. He always had a hidden jug under a loose floorboard under his desk for days like these.)

"Are you trying to get yourself killed? You could be the human torch through, I mean with all that you've drunk in the past hour the moment you light that ash stick we're toast. Literally." Breda muttered. "Hey chief, why don't you light it yourself?"

"I happen to like my hair and eyebrows, thank you very muc- Fuery stop playing with the dog. He is made to be man's most loyal best friend, not a plaything."

"Why Fuery! I didn't know you were into that at all!" The flaming man-to-be slurred.

"I'm what?" The poor boy was far too innocent to be in the military. His puzzled look made Mustang merely sigh and shake his head.

"It's nothing, he's drunk, go back to making up what act you'd want to do if we manage to get the circus idea accepted." Mustang answered calmly like this was a common occurrence.

Which it was. Somewhat.

By the end of the day they managed to pull together a few more willing people to participate and marched themselves into the town square where they decided to begin their performance.

Havoc was flaming (courtesy of Mustang of course, he was controlling the flames around him, though sometimes he'd let it lick at his feet for revenge for all those years of teasing him to sleep with his own best friend and only woman to follow him to the ends of time and back). Mustang did a reenactment of a fight between he and the shor- err, FullMetal alchemist, though he slipped in some secrets that would get him killed. Eventually.

Fuery managed to work with Hayate enough to get him to balance on his head, and Breda was dressed in a tutu. No one could explain what he was doing since they went momentarily blind.

The other acts were part of the "blind" portion of the circus; nevertheless, they made about 100 cenz.

While cleaning up, Hawkeye walked by and saw them. "I don't think I'll be taking a day off for a while now, Sir. You remember my warning last time?"

Mustang grinned cheekily while plotting every escape route possible, last time she mentioned something about swiss cheese and its eventual relation to him. As well as a whole bunch more paperwork.

Life was going to suck these next few days.

Scratch that, a week or so, Mustang was stupid and tried to bribe Riza with the cenz they'd made.

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**Riiiight... Umm, so yeah, I had a bit of trouble writing this one. Wasn't too inspired so... But I'll try harder! To make it funnier! Which is actually a bit hard... Since I'm a serious person... Ish... On the outside.. OKAY I'M A TSUNDERE THERE'S NOTHING WRONG WITH IT. -sideways glance- It's been an up/down day. **

**So see you guys in two days with (hopefully) a better story! And maybe a oneshot for another category. I plan to expand my FF horizons. Aaaaanywaaay...**

**Kaida-chan out~!**


	3. Everyone Hates Working Except Riza

Day 2  
_Everyone Hates Working. Except Riza..._

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Following the circus… Fiasco, shall we say? Riza came into work with an aura that clearly meant business. And by business, that meant a day of straight paperwork, no "if ", "ands" or "buts." Which easily translated into "Hell" for the Flame alchemist we all know and love.

So, we begin the day with the arrival of Ms. Riza Hawkeye. And the attempted escape of three very worried men. Those men would be Havoc, Mustang, and Falman oddly enough.

Needless to say bullets riddle the window and walls, and duct tape was very well used within the first few hours.

By around noon, Riza began hearing complaints (or rather, she stopped ignoring the whining of the three men because her stomach began to join the festivities). She left to get them all lunch and was kind enough to let them take a break (isn't she a wonderful woman to do such a nice thing for them?). Well the break was well deserved, they each managed to finish a stack of paper (mind you it was at least a quarter of their height each), of course there was still sorting and filing and obviously, turning it in on time.

At 12:18:37 PM, Roy Mustang finished his four hour planning. At 12:25:54 PM, the plan was delivered and all questions were answered. At 12:26:38 PM, the plan was put into action.

At 12: 35:28 PM, Riza Hawkeye walked in to find duct tape across the doorway, thus blocking her entrance to the room.

It would be 12:40 PM on the dot when she managed to get into the room and find the windows blasted open (and partially melted), the chairs and unimportant (but sharp) objects strewn across the floor to slow _intruders_, and make her way across unscathed.

Of course, by 1:00:47 PM, Hawkeye will have corralled all of the men back into the room, duct taped them to their chair, an arm to the back of the chair, and the pen to their hands.

It was an eventful day.

Until a little after 5PM when Maes Hughes walks in and unceremoniously rips Roy from his seat to gush about his daughter's latest accomplishments, to which said victim dashes to the window and jumps for his freedom. Where he is then thrown back up, courtesy of one Mr. Armstrong…

"Throwing people up to windows has long been practiced in my family Mustang!"

Yes… It was a rather eventful yet normal day…

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**Don't own. Not at all**.

**Bit rushed here so here we go.**

**Sorry for lateness (insert valid excuse that will make you less pissed at me). This chapter was actually written beforehand instead of pulled out of nowhere with no help from the crack fairy. Not like they helped much either - shooooot. Didn't finish in time... It's already 12... GAAAAH! Hmph. Well. Tomorrow then. I'll post again. ROYAI DAY IS COMING UP -does happy dance- June 11th people~! (for those that don't know)**

**Kaida-chan out~!**


	4. Out Sick

**Thank you very much to Sushi Hawkeye (my only reviewer for this story so far TT-TT I shall post only for you since it seems you're the only one who cares TT-TT) who pointed out I posted the wrong chapter twice... Ahaha... Waruino waruino.. (my bad my bad)**

**So yeah, that's fixed. Hopefully... -_-' **

**Anyway. Feelin' pretty proud of myself at the moment. Totally scrambled to write this chapter about an hour ago. Came out... Not too shabby... Yeah, I haven't been sleeping much -ahem- (going to bed ridiculously late to the point I pass out and then magically wake up at 7 the following morning exhausted. I dunno why. I'm just an oddball...)**

**Don't own FMA :(**

**Kaida-chan out~**

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Day 3: Out Sick

"Another bright and glorious day!" Hughes exclaimed, stretching his arms as he exited the State Library and headed for his best friend's office.

Upon arrival in said office, he noticed some things missing… Things being people. Of course Fuery was internally debating what had happened to the people, Havoc could really care less, Riza was working and Roy… Was slacking off…

"_He's going to get himself killed… I'LL SAVE YOU ROY~!_" Mustang visibly twitched, the look on Hughes' face only worried him even more. He was obviously concerned about missing two of his men: Breda and Falman.

"MEN. We're missing two of our associates. Any proclamation on where they could possibly be? Hughes, you're the investigator with the information, you're staying to help. _If I go, you go bastard, this is revenge for anything Elysia related._"

"Why of course Roy~! Anything I can do to help! _Me? I was __**helping**__ you by walking in here! Did you __**see**__ the look on your unofficial lover's face when she looked up to see you being lazy?_"

"Alright then, sir. What's your theory? _Shut up both of you and do something worthwhile._" Hawkeye smiled vaguely, no warmth whatsoever in her voice or her expression. Both men gulped and had their minds racing for excuses to dig themselves out of this hole.

"Well then my next-in-charge, I think that Breda and Falman were kidnapped." Roy said this proudly, obviously glad he'd come up with something logical.

It was then that the Elric brothers walked in to deliver their report from the latest town they'd (destroyed) come from. Now once they overheard the conversation from the hallway, they couldn't help but stay and join in, because really, more brains help solve a problem faster! Right?

Edward couldn't help but interrupt, "well Flame Bastard, if they were kidnapped, where's the ransom note? I mean it is almost three in the afternoon."

"I think Barry might have taken them hostage to get to Riza." Hughes mused, trying to strike a sore spot on Roy and get his mouth going like it usually did. A chuckle escaped his lips.

"Remember he died after getting stabbed through the soul thingie though?" Havoc said, finally partaking in the current debate.

"Yeah! Brother and I saw it happen!" Al chimed in with his usual happy voice.

"Well how do we know Fullmetal didn't chew them out for calling him short? I mean I saw them mention it a few times when I passed by them during break." A leering tone from Mustang never meant anything good for people, particularly those who are rather… Sensitive… About particular aspects of their bodies…

A simple retort from the temper-controlled blonde Elric shut him up quickly. "Well how do we know Mustang didn't burn them to a crisp like he did with Ross?"

"Edward…" A warning leer now.

"If it's all the same to you all, they called in sick."

They all gave Hawkeye a look of immense annoyance; their fun was ruined for the day.


	5. Marry You

**In honor of Royai Day. No I don't own FMA, otherwise below would be true. And I don't own the video that inspired (cough) copied (cough) me to do this. I don't own any of Bruno Mars' songs either. (This one is called Marry You).**

**In the story below (key)**

this means normal story

_this means thoughts_

**this means lyrics. yes. lyrics. but i tried my best to make them as unnoticeable as possible. unfortunately, they're needed for the story... personally I'm not a fan of songfics...**

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Day 4

Once upon a time, psh, forget that. Let's go with this.

One day on a reconnaissance mission in East Central Command, Hawkeye was told to help Fuery with his mobile post around sunset ("to help with the new recruits shift change"). A few months earlier, he had managed to scrounge up the money to pay for a car, and following those months he managed to fully equip his car with his beloved radio. Truly, this was the birth of surveillance for the modern and non-alchemically advanced man.

Anyway, on this day, June 11th, we have Hawkeye helping Fuery with monitoring his surveillance equipment and the recruits have yet to arrive. A frown decorated her face, "_not a good way to start the first day on the job…_" She thought. Yet, beforehand, he explains odd instructions to her. For example, to keep an eye on the road from the back of the car. ("Why? We aren't even moving…") As well as to wear the headphones he had given to her.

Still, she did as she's told and put them on. It was oddly quiet. Then Fuery looked at her and mimed questions.

"Are you ok?"

A nod answered his nonverbal question.

"Ready?"

"For what?" The confused look on her face and the raised eyebrow told him.

A smile flitted across his face and he then grinned; a simple look that said 'you'll find out soon enough,' was the only reply.

With that, he climbs over the seat to tap the driver's shoulder (Breda in disguise). She turns to follow him with her eyes, but remembers she was told to look at the road. And that she did, silently marveling at the pleasant tune that reached her ears. In front of her, Fuery was counting out beats by clapping his hand while following the car as it pulled forward slowly..

**It's a beautiful night, we're looking for something dumb to do, hey baby, I think I wanna marry you!**

Her eyes widened slightly at the words. Fuery had suddenly disappeared, and in place were her friends and coworkers, Maria Ross and Denny Brosh, arms looped together tightly, almost scared to separate.

**Is it the look in your eyes, or is it this dancing juice? Who cares, baby, I think I wanna marry you.**

With the next lyrics, they stared deep into each other's eyes, lost in their own world, almost forgetting their cue to back up as Havoc ran by dancing oddly. As soon as the line "marry you" sounded, Maria was surprised because Denny had picked her up in a bridal carry, and spun her around.

**Well, I know this little chapel, on the boulevard, we can go, no one will know, oh, come on girl!**

Madame Christmas and Grumman were next, jokingly flirting with each other, offering flowers and the like. Before they left her sight, Christmas tossed her the bouquet of colorful flowers (that may or may not have come from Roy's earlier ridiculously large amount of ordered flowers for information…) in to her arms. She caught it, and with that catch, she caught the gist of what was happening.

**Who cares if we're trashed, got a pocket full of cash we can blow, shots of patron, and it's on girl~! Don't say no, no, no, no, no, just say yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, and we'll go, go, go, go, go, if you're ready, like I'm ready.**

Her own best friend, Rebecca Catalina, was in on this ploy too, and she dragged Havoc out(commonly her drinking buddy/friends with benefits though through multiple conversations, Riza discovered that Rebecca wanted something much more. A relationship with him. Honest to goodness relationship). They clinked empty glasses together, a smirk on Rebecca's that Riza easily deciphered as joy, and a surprisingly warm smile on Havoc's; Riza couldn't help but grin at them, "_Rebecca just might get her wish soon…_"

The occupants of the song so far all joined together for the next line, a few more officers she knew joining in and looping around the couples.

'**Cause it's a beautiful night, we're looking for something dumb to do, hey baby, I think I wanna marry you. Is it the look in your eyes, or is it this dancing juice? Who cares, baby, I think I wanna marry you.**

More people ran in, some she knew, like Armstrong and his sister (she cocked an eyebrow at this, surprised at how she managed to get spun into the plot as well), and Winry and Edward who were running towards her through the make believe aisle created by people separating into two columns with the next few lyrics.

**I'll go get a ring, let the choir bells sing like, ooh, so what ya wanna do? Let's just run girl!**

Ironically, Edward pulled out an actual ring and slipped it on Winry's hand. A wrench to the head answered his question, but she still put it on and kissed his cheek sweetly. A chuckle escaped Riza's lips, she knew the elder Elric brother had proposed, but only by babbling about alchemy, Winry complained for hours to her about that.

**If we wake up and you wanna break up, that's cool, no, I won't blame you, it was fun, girl! Don't say no, no, no, no, no, just say yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, and we'll go, go, go, go, go, if you're ready, like I'm ready.**

Izumi and her own husband jokingly acted this part out, the angry couple, but the remarkable acting that cast a surprised spell upon her, was broken when Izumi suddenly kissed her husband. Another grin made its way slyly to her face. She nearly forgot what she presumed was going to happen at the end. A light blush colored her cheeks as she continued watching the people before her. Even more people joined in for the next part, she was laughing now, eager for the end. She wanted to know what silly thing would happen, and quite honestly who might have put this altogether. She had an inkling of who it was, but they had never actually gone out in the first place…

'**Cause it's a beautiful night, we're looking for something dumb to do, hey baby, I think I wanna marry you. Is it the look in your eyes, or is it this dancing juice? Who cares, baby, I think I wanna marry you.**

All of them, dancing before her, lip syncing perfectly and trying to keep the amused smirks from their faces. She really was intrigued now. She saw more people slip into the crowd of dancing people, but now she was looking, looking for the person she hoped would ask her. Even more people danced in front of her, wearing what she presumed to be religious clothing. She muffled a laugh at the pun from the song.

**Just say I do, tell me right now, baby, tell me right now, baby, baby, just say I do, tell me right now, baby, tell me right now baby, baby, oh.**

The crowd took up the entire street and a bit of the sidewalk, mind you; it was actually a large street. A band then joined in, miming the instruments they were supposed to play. Oh laughter was bubbling from her; a smile was practically glued to her face. She knew who it was; he was the only one who hadn't appeared yet. And yes, he was the only one who would do such a thing, to ask a particular question to little old her. And there he was, walking cockily like the confident person he was, towards her.

**It's a beautiful night… We're looking for something dumb to do… Hey baby. I think I wanna marry you. Is it the look in your eyes? Or is it this dancing juice? Who cares, baby. I think I wanna marry you!**

He mouthed the words cheesily, hand in his pocket, miming the actions as he came closer and closer. She had an enormous smile just playing at her lips, waiting for the question. With the song ending, and the car stopping, the once dancing crowd of friends and family stopped and kneeled. And finally, he did too, and asked her to take her headphones off.

She smiled kindly at him, as he smiled sheepishly at her. Her friends were yelling at each other to shut up, Maes and Gracia looked on excitedly as Elysia tugged on her mother's dress. "What's Uncle Roy doing Mommy?" She was picked up by her father and held closely.

"You'll find out when you're older, honey."

Riza stood at Roy's silent asking. He opened his mouth, she waited patiently.

"You have already given me a life time of happiness," her grin got wider. Her mind silently scoffed, "_happiness? War torn is more li- __**Oh shut up me! Let me enjoy this! Just this once!**__Fine! Be that way!_"

"Will you let me spend the rest of my life, trying to give you the same? Will you marry me?"

The crowd was giggling, still kneeling, watching for Riza's answer. Riza was a woman who rarely, if _ever_ cried, and yet here she was, tears rolling silently down her cheeks as she accepted the ring in his hands after giving him a knowing look, one that said everything to him, one that only he could translate from their years together. Both their friends rose and cheered, clapping excitedly as the ring was slipped onto her fingers.

Next thing she knew, she had leant down, and kissed him. The background of noisy cheers faded slightly in her mind until he rose from his knee to give her a proper kiss. One that she had been waiting for for months, years, or decades possibly. Roy turned proudly, and the noise resumed again, Rebecca practically tackling her in a hug.

When she was finally let go, she found herself back in Roy's embrace, his head on her shoulder as he mumbled, "no more two steps back got it, Mrs. Mustang?"

* * *

Omake

"Hmm… That was cute right, Shizka?"

"Mhmm… Kinda wish I had a relation- Vato? When did you get here?" She exclaimed loudly as the crowd dispersed. She was taken aback really, far too surprised to even stutter like she usually did around him. She did like book lovers… No! Bad mind! Stop! Her internal argument didn't go unnoticed by Falman, he chuckled as her heard her mutter under her breathe.

"You do realize I can hear you?" He couldn't help it, it was just too much of a good opportunity to miss, he'd blame his superior officer later, Mustang was probably having a drink with his fiancé at the moment.

Cheeks red, she turned away from him, "well don't listen!" She began rambling books word for word to keep calm. He caught up with her, listing books he'd read wondering if she knew them.

It was a start at least?

Meanwhile Rebecca and Havoc were going at it, arguing again. This time about how well they'd each done their part in the proposal plan Mustang roped them into (blackmailed). The bickering became louder and louder, even Mustang and Hawkeye could hear it from their position relatively far away.

They smiled at each other mischievously, knowing the other's plan before it fully formed. They were a team even before joining the military. Riza snuck up on Rebecca, and Roy on Havoc, both murmured "Oops," as they shoved the two together. And off they walked, to avoid any possibly fireworks or backfire that may have occurred.

A quick look back showed nothing dangerous, though, maybe lack of oxygen counted as dangerous…

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**The End.**

**For this chapter. **

**Uh yeah. Just as an FYI to all you romance lovers... This.. Miiiight be the last romance fic I write... I mean like actually fluffy/sappy/romancey goodness... It's a bit hard to explain my reasoning -sideways glance- To put it simply... I had my brain broken earlier (I was playing Diablo II all day. Brain is shutting down. And it's demon filled XD) aaaaand... I'm suffering from a slight bit of shock, call it I hit my head (I really did actually, but there's more to it)? ^_^' My inspiration is dead? I don't really know what else to call it... I've been dealing with it for a few months now and it's finally completely gone. Now all I have are humor plot bunnies. No romance really... **

**Aaaaanywaaaay...**

**Hope you enjoyed :D**

**Kaida-chan out~!**


	6. AlchemyBook

**Ridiculously tired. So**

**Don't own FMA(B), just ideas. Which are all influenced by my best friend/younger (not related) sis... **

**I swear, I keep blinking and minutes pass by and I'm suddenly falling forward. Not fun.**

**Anyway, enjoy! -passes out cold from exhaustion-**

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Day 5

Not Wearing a Miniskirt

Jumping forward at least five years, we discover that AlchemyBook has been created on the latest computers: the FMAintosh. Now see, AlchemyBook is a social networking site.

To put it simply, hours upon hours of working late in the day tend to have an adverse on particular people. For example, Hughes and Mustang.

Months ago (five years in the future of course), the two men conspired to make a profile on the site. And they did so. Using their real names.

Coming back to the "present," we will notice that the sun has set, and the two (immature) men are chattering excitedly on their AlchemyBook's private chat.

**Roy Mustang: **I'm in a great mmood!

*mood

Mmoooooooo!

**Maes Hughes: **I think that's enough deleting. Up to January of this year

You sound like a homeless cow –laugh-

**Roy Mustang: **psh. Deleting. haven't cleaned out inbox since two years ba- lawl

I AM A HOMELESS COW! NOT WEARING A MINISKIRT. 8D

This shit is going on AlchemyBook.

**Maes Hughes: **Do it. Make it your job title. Not Wearing a Miniskirt. I'll work with you 8D

**Roy Mustang: **YES. COWORKER. –pumps fist in the air-

**Maes Hughes: **-high five-

Mustang quickly checked his best friend's page after typing "Homeless Cow" as his occupation, when he saw that Hughes had written "_Homeless Cow_ at Not Wearing a Miniskirt."

**Maes Hughes: **add 'not wearing a miniskirt' :D

**Roy Mustang: **did.

gah. Seeing homeless too much makes me think its spelled wrong…

**Maes Hughes: **but it isn't.

**Roy Mustang: **I know. You added a "." to yours by the way.

**Maes Hughes: **Shiz.

**Roy Mustang: **FISH. _*****_

This is hilarious to me. I'm trying not to break into a laughing fit right now so I don't wake the neighbors.

You spelled homeless as homless…

**Maes Hughes: **I don't care. It's 1 in the morning.

You're telling me. I have a sleeping wife and kid two doors down. If I go down, you're going down man.

**Roy Mustang: **And not a single fuck was given that day.

**Maes Hughes: **You see all the water next to you?

That's all my fucks.

**Roy Mustang: **Dude. What wate-?

Pillow's in my face as I shake

MAKING A SMOOTHIE

Wow that was random.

**Maes Hughes: ***link about something someone posted showing a woman and a quote saying "I don't fart. I whisper in my panties"*

And PUT IT IN THE BLENDER

**Roy Mustang: **Tears rolling down my face!

WE HAS MADE. LIFE. OUT OF SMOOTHIE GUTS

**Maes Hughes: **-sings some African song- OH GA BOO GA

**Roy Mustang: **-holds jar filled with smoothie like Rafiki from lion king-

**Maes Hughes: **ITS SO PRECIOUS

**Roy Mustang: **YESS

Gosh we're really losing it, aren't we…?

**Maes Hughes: **It all makes sense now…

**Roy Mustang: **When do you ever make sense Maes?

**Maes Hughes: **Its 1AM, sanity does not belong here 8D

**Roy Mustang: **of cooooouuuurssse noooot

**Maes Hughes: **-shoves it into the closet-

**Roy Mustang: **D8 sanity's not gonna come out of the closet? But we've been waiting for it to tell us its gender preferability!

**Maes Hughes: **ITS GOING TO COME OUT OF THE CLOSET GAY

I KNEW IT. IT WAS STUPID ANYWAY

* * *

_*****_ **= fuck it, shit happens (fish, the new yolo. I saw it on facebook. "fuck yolo! It's all about fish! Fuck it, shit happens!" I personally don't support the use of the phrase yolo because I'm weird. I like fish though haha)**

**I tried to make Maes and Hughes sound manlier, but when you're tired and loopily happy, stuff kinda hits the fan and editing is just a verbal "toss it out the window after looking at the first sentence")**

**Also, this is what happens when I'm ridiculously happy and lead both myself and my friend off the deep end. It's funny as heck to me. Yes, this is an actual conversation I had with my friend (minus a few messages of how I'd be using this in this fic and _a lot_ of emoticons) yesterday, which is when I typed this up. Best part is, I'm even more tired :D Oh joy! Interestingly enough, most of the chapters in both this fiction and the Bleach version are based off of things she's sent me, or conversations we've had. Most of 'em. Some are just plot bunnies that manage to get themselves out of my brain.**


	7. The Birth of Technology & Games

**Super quick author's note. I'm tired. And my hand hurts. XP But it's nothing serious, go check the update for my other Summer Days series if you want to know what's wrong, (waste of time but if you really are worried...)**

**Don't own FMA/FMAB/Minecraft and anything else that is in the real world and is incorporated into this mini story.**

**Enjoy!**

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Day 6

In the not so distant future, computers were created by alchemy. And Fuery, well, let's just say he jumped on the bandwagon (given his love of electronics, of course) and got himself a computer. It wasn't long until games were coming out; to satisfy the hungry minds of the general public wanting to do more than just type up reports and the like.

Thus, the birth of Minecraft.

Obviously, the game's popularity exploded! However, being a government official meant that Fuery didn't have much time to really get into the game. Yet still, it fascinated him! On his days off he'd simply mine away and survive, all the while trying to build a house in which he could sleep peaceably and house his things.

Now we come to a point in time, where another site has been created; a video sharing site, otherwise known as FireTube.

Fuery, on one of his days off (it was a holiday) found that this video site had many, many, _many_ videos about Minecraft.

One of the many categories concerning Mincraft was something that people had coined as "griefing."

He spent nearly all day, and the rest of his weekend, and the next two days (by calling in sick) watching these videos.

By day 3, his commanding officer was getting a little bit annoyed, why? Well, since Fuery wasn't there to do his share of paperwork, it was dumped onto his pile, thus giving him more to do. This didn't bode well for the lazy officer.

"FUERY! WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON IN THERE?" The sound of the "officer's knock" floated through the door, through rooms, and finally, through Fuery's headphones. He jumped and threw down the appliance, worried that he was caught.

A loud series of cracking sounds followed the nervous and rattled thoughts of one Kain Fuery, he flinched and closed his eyes, knowing what was coming next.

"You're not sick."

"No, Sir…"

"Then what it is you've been doing?"

"Watching Minecraft griefing videos, Sir…"

"Oh, so you've found those videos? Which one are you on?" The enthusiastic baritone voice hit Fuery much like a wall.

"I'm sorry, Sir, I won't do it aga- what?"

"What video are you watchin- Oh! I love this episode! Subscribe to them Fuery! These griefers are _hilarious_."

A thud was heard as he passed out from the immense shock, or the blood rushing to his head suddenly stopped. Possibly both.

"Sir, you shouldn't have surprised him like that…"

"Not to worry Hawkeye! He'll be fine in a few minutes!"

"That's what you said to Falman last time when he was nearly done reading that new series. And he was out for a good few hours."

"Please! I think that was shock that I actually read."

"If you're sure, Sir…"

"Why of course! Why would I say otherwise?" The tone in his voice made Hawkeye think back to his speech about dogs, she internally groaned at his immaturity.

"I wouldn't know, Sir."


	8. Petitions

**Eyelids... Falling... Head... Hitting desk... ! Ok I'm up, ish. Really odd and messed up oneshot here. I was talking with my friend while writing this. Always refreshing talking to her XD Such funny occurrences happen :D Anyway.**

**Don't own FMA :(**

**AND MANY MANY MANY THANKS TO THE PEOPLE WHO'VE REVIEWED SO FAR (even if its been about 3-4 ^^' the reviews make me feel like I'm being given an extra dessert :D so -gives you all a large cookie of your choice-)  
I've been meaning to thank you all but I've been in such a rush lately ^^' (lazy, so sue me. Let's see how your case upholds in court! MWAHAHA)**

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Day 7

One Mr. Roy Mustang sat at his desk, signing away his life as though the pen channeled ink via his blood through stacks and stacks of paper. The stacks dwindling, he pondered for a moment, "Whatever could I possibly be doing here? Signing papers and the like is such a boring job! I should find another! My life is being wasted here!"

Let's insert a screeching record sound here shall we?

Onto the main story!

Obviously, following the creation of video games (see previous chapter), our military official, Mustang, wants to take a break from paperwork (as usual). However, after the fiasco with Fuery, who claimed to have no knowledge of what occurred; video games had been banned from the entire base. I repeat, ENTIRE. BASE.

Moving on, we rest our attention upon one little miss. Elysia Hughes.

It's take your child to work day of course!

And this particular little girl just happens to have a GameToy SP in her hands!

She now faces the wrath of over 200 men and women in the base itching to have their paws grasp the wonderful gaming system and provide a relief from their constant work.

After all, the Fuhrer said nothing about outside non-employed members bringing in games since they had no idea concerning the latest enforcements on video games.

Needless to say, Hughes spent the whole day guarding his precious child from the dangerous mitts of his coworker.

"Daddy… Why does everyone look like a bear today?"

"Its… Bear day! That's it!"

"Then why don't you look like on- OH NO! My bunny thing died fighting another bunny thing!"

"Honey, why don't you stay with Shizka for an hour, Daddy has to go talk to someone about important things."

"Okay~!" The little girl went into the room Shizka occupied, diligently pouring her brain's contents onto paper after the library had gone up in flames months ago. Thankfully (for Hughes) she had no interest in gaming. A quick glance from him at her signified that she should lock her door and allow no one in for a time period. She furrowed her brow, but did so, as well as took a moment to look at the little girl involved in her game.

"HUGHES!"

"_I figured this would happen… But I'm prepared. I WILL DEDICATE MY LIFE TO MY LOVELY DAUGHTER AND WIFE! I'VE HAD A GRAND LIFE! Thank you Gracia for adding more light in my life-_" The prayer like thoughts continued as men and women rushed at him a few hallways away from his best friend's office. Knives were flung in all directions.

Finally he made it to the office, and just in time too because Roy happened to be taping something on the door.

**Video Game Allowance Petition**

"_This… This is what they've been eyeing my little Gracia for…? Wasn't it Roy's fault to begin with?_"

"Oh hello Maes, what brings you here?"

"ROOOOOOOY!" The angry shout seemed to quell the mob that threatened his very existence and shrank back slightly at the rather pissed man.

"Maybe… We should get out of here…" The collective whispers grew until suddenly, there was silence. Save for the sounds of running and screaming from Hughes and Mustang.


	9. Body Napping

**Don't own FMA**

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Day 8

Once upon a time, the author of this unpopular yet still oddly being updated fiction was extremely tired. Now, when this author is tired, odd things start to happen.

So what happened tonight?

To put it simply. Body switching happened.

Miss Riza Hawkeye came into work this morning hoping to corral the troops into working diligently as they should. And that she did. But for some reason, she had an odd feeling she couldn't shake, all day. About an hour before she and Roy usually left for their own homes, she felt lightheaded, dizzy and ridiculously tired.

Then the world went black.

When she came to, she was staring at a laptop that held an open document and seemed to be writing itself. "_A laptop… How did I know what it was called? Actually. What's more important is getting myself to stand up and not pass out. Well. This must be a dream so…_" She thought vaguely before violently pinching her cheeks. Her eyes shot open and a voice that was most certainly not her own yelped in pain. Glancing at her hands, looking for the calloused hands of a gun user, she found none, just the slender fingers of a girl. "_A pianist._" She thought knowingly, despite not having a clue herself at the sudden thought that also didn't seem to be her own.

Gazing around the room, she found herself in a purple chair surrounded by stuffed animals. Mind you they were cute, but she was a bit concerned for her mental wellbeing. "_Keep calm Riza. Everything will work itself out. Eventually... I hope…_"

Meanwhile, back in FMA world: Central, Riza was still on the ground out cold. Roy was shaking her awake (trying to) while the other subordinates hovered nearby, concerned.

"Mmmn..?" A sleepy groan answered the now roughly shaken, not slightly stirred, woman. Her eyelids drooped as if she were about to go back to sleep, that is, until Roy shook her again.

"Waaaah… I'm up… Stop shaking… World spinning… Weee hahaha…" Broken phrases left her mouth, but the way they were said was very different from the confident and strong blonde woman. She sounded ridiculously exhausted and small, meek perhaps? "Riza's" head flopped back and her eyes were closed again. But her hand was lifted up and swinging side to side as she hummed oddly.

Mustang stared at her oddly, still holding her upright; slowly "Riza" came to properly and glanced around the room sleepily. Moving her head around to quickly, she came into contact with the blue material of Roy's uniform. "Teehee… It's a pretty blue~!" She sang.

The men now stepped back a few feet, on edge, waiting for their sharpshooter to come back.

"Oh~! I know what happen'd~! I guess it worked~! Ladidaidaa~" She hummed almost drunkenly, spinning around after standing up slowly. "Hello Roy~! Dance with meeee~!"

Eyes may have very well been on the floor.

And then "Riza" started to go limp in Roy's arms, "Aww… I don't want to go to slee-" She conked out and dropped to the floor like a rock (had Mustang not caught her).

Another few minutes of worried and stunned silence passed by when Riza awoke, pressing a hand to her forehead.

"The hell…?"

"_Oh good she's back..._" Was the collective thought as they all sighed with relief.

"Shouldn't you all be doing paperwork?"

"Well yes… But are you feeling alright?" Fuery shakingly asked.

"Y-yes… Just had a minor fainting spell from dizziness, why?" Slightly confused, but back to herself once more, Riza answered.

"Nothing." Breda answered suddenly. "We were concerned because you passed out on your way to Mustang's desk…"

"Oh… _Well… I took an odd trip to a stranger's room…And inhabited her body…_"

Back in the real world…

"Tee hee… That was fun~! I wonder who I'll switch with next ti-" the girl passed out and soft but even breathing filled the quiet room.

* * *

**FYI, the girl was me. I'm just really that tired. And another FYI, all Riza did was sit there and watch the document be typed. But she didn't remember anything that happened, after all, if the 4th wall is broken, to repair it, memories must be sacrificed!**


	10. Inside a Brain

**Don't own FMA. This is a double update, returning readers can start at the previous chapter so as not to miss anything. (-snort- I have returning readers, what a joke -laughs to self-)**

**This is in Roy's POV, and is also written by my best friend -smiles brightly-**

* * *

Day 9  
As a treat to all you beautiful ladies, (as for the men, please visit your local lover's mind) tonight, I will be giving you all a treat to stay in my mind for the day.

Don't worry, I won't be thinking of how you all can be in miniskirts as you read this.

You little perverts don't need to see me getting dressed, because I have heard of those little doujins that exist from Rebecca –so I'll start from my work day.

Here comes Hughes, up the hallway with stacks of papers under his arms. Hawkeye right behind him with an even larger stack...What is it this time…? Not pictures of his daughter again- wait! Her hand was at her waist...gun! Gun!

"Hawkeye! We are not allowed to shoot fellow officers, please remember that." The distant voice of a joking official floated through my brain.

She could look prettier if she would wear a skirt, you know. If she's going to wear a mini skirt, she might as well get a bikini...A mini mental Riza appeared, and smacked him with the butt of her gun.

"I know, Sir. Please keep your mind on task," She tsked, and began to pile papers in my arms.. "By the way, it was your face that gave it away."

Off she went, and here comes Hughes again to show me more pictures of his daughter. We made it halfway down the hall before other officers came up to ask me questions about Riza. What was up with her today?

The office was filled with extra paper work, it would be gone already if she allowed me to get rid of it the fun way! Under a campfire, full of ladies in short clothing...one tent...Burning paper to use as a heat source, but as a compliment, I am really hot. In more ways than one.

Here she was, the dictator of our little city at her native post. It likes long walks on the beach and long nights at the shooting range; its common habitat can be at her house or in the work place. It lacks other actions besides, 'Work, Eat, Shoot, Sleep'. 'Shoot' can happen at any time of day as a warning, there are multiple bullet holes in my door for a reason. It's not swiss cheese yet, but I'm aiming to get it to be like that soon!

Anyway, it was quiet, way too quiet, it shouldn't be like this.

Maybe she was sick.

Time to hire a nurse!

I quickly jogged to my office, shutting the door behind me before Riza could come inside with more work.

I dialed through the work phone, and called up the best nurse for the job.

OoOoOoOoOoO

The person I hired came just on time, a decent looking man in a men's nursing outfit. The others stared in wonder; I just hid behind a peep hole in the wall. She didn't look up from her work till he sat on a couple papers, as she came up to look at him, you could hear the little soul inside him dying.

He began to sing without doubt despite it. "I hear that you were feeling ill, headache, fever, and a chill I came to help restore your pluck 'cuz I'm the nurse that likes to f-"

Hawkeye's first shot didn't go to the performer, but to me! How could she! That was close! I almost lost the famous Mustang haircut!

The performer left almost instantly after the first shot, and was nearly down the hallway by the second. I was dodging these bullets with supreme skill; I am the Flame Alchemist after all!

There she stood before me. If looks could kill, I would haven be murdered violently, yet on the floor drowning in my own blood slowly, but it was always worth it!

"Mustang, I think we have come to the point in our work relationship that boundaries do matter. They matter very much." She bent down to my face, only a couple inches apart. It reminds me of my first kiss; funny how the woman I shared it with is right in front of me now? About to murder me?

"No problem, _Honey Buns_." I added sweetly, I regret it completely now, but it felt so right. For a death sentence.

Her face went stone cold, followed by a crazy but small smile. The type that shouldn't be on her face but it was. And it made goose bumps start forming and sweat start rolling down the back of my neck.

Right up to Havoc, I watched her walk out my door, and straight to his desk. He was laughing. Was.

"Have I ever told you of the times when Mustang was a teen, how many times he failed at life?" There was a Cheshire grin on her face now.

He simply shook his head; she was becoming creepier by the minute. The rest of the office came around to set in front of her like she was a teacher in grade 1.

"He couldn't hit on a girl. Throw rocks at a couple by mistake, but that's close as he got. Many times he would try to hit on the ugliest one on the village, but even Hegla said no a couple times!" She cracked a smile; I swear she was hiding horns in her hair!

"He would always use the same one for her, 'You're so beautiful I forgot my pickup line.'

Hey! Flame boy." She was leering at me. _ME!_ "What was the one you used on the old lady with the dog wig?"

I walked up to her, because you have to go down trying... Always...

"I believe it was, 'My love for you is like diarrhea, you can't just hold it in."

I leaned close to her ear, just loud enough for her to hear, "It's a good thing I wore my gloves today; otherwise, you'd be too hot to handle."

The violent shove to the ground followed by a gun to my face?

Scary, but worth it. As it's always been.

OoOoOoOoO

* * *

**I came in to write my first FMA fic for the usual author here :D She's a water bending pig that deserves some weave from the sheep in Scotland. In other words, she is very awesome~**

**REVIEW, THE MOVIE GODS THAT PRODUCED AVENGERS COMMANDS YOU. IF YOU HAVE SEEN IT, YOU ARE KINDA SORTA SUPPOSED TO REVIEW.**

**and if you haven't seen it...c: you can still review and tell us what you tink.**

**-Penguinwholikesfire (procrastation at its finest everyone :D)**

**PS: If you know that Nurse's song, mention it, because then I might reappear again for a chapter of this story. :D**

_Long story short, I was pressed for time (ahem laziness ahem) and my friend was bored, so I asked if she'd care to write a chapter for me. Originally I planned to ask her a few days from now, but now was as good as any. So it's a smidge (page or 2) longer than my own usual one shots, kinda makes me think about how half assed I've been doing this XP_

_Anyway, my best friend, I friggin love her. She's awesome enough to do this for me when I'm pretty much falling off my chair in exhaustion. Many thank you's fellow micey~!_

_-Kaida-chan (She'll [Penguinwholikesfire] reappear anyway, I'll probably end up needing her help or just offer her an idea to write up for me, but she'll be back sooner if you answer :D)_

_PS. Day 10 will be up tomorrow or the following day along with the regularly scheduled chapter, I'm just that tired and mentally drained; apologies!_


	11. Splosions

**Sorry sorry sorrryyyyyyy! I said I'd update this yesterday, or at least try. And I didn't. I'M A FAIL AUTHOR! (well i was to begin with, now even more so... but whatever!) anyway, really hyper, got my friend hooked on another manga/anime. Acchi Kocchi. GO READ/WATCH IT. THE FINAL EPISODE IS NEXT FRIGGIN WEEK. (in case you haven't noticed, i'm dying here because of it. -head splodes- RAAWRR ZOMBIE! EAT BRAINS! WAAAAAAAA! -insanity causes replacement brain to splode-**

**Don't own FMA. (Hey look! i'm sane enough to say that!)**

* * *

Day 10

Once upon a time, Alphonse Elric had a brother. That brother was named Edward Elric. Now while he (Al), was traveling to learn alchemy from the Xingese, Edward went the opposite direction. One day, he stopped receiving letters from him though.

What could have possibly happened?

After a half a year, Alphonse acted drastically, and presumed his only family dead.

Or at least… Until he popped up in the middle of his room that he now shared with Mei. Literally. He popped through the floor.

"EDWARD?"

"Oh hey little brother."

"B-but.. Y-you. I tho-thought. Edward Elric, what the hell is going on here?"

"Here's a cat for ya, Al!"

"KITTY- EDWARD."

"Alright alright. I'll tell you why I didn't mail you."

Alphonse sat down on the floor next to him, petting the cat's head while looking calm, but internally raging with questions.

After a good hour, Al had only managed to glean from the entire story something about prison and explosives.

"I'm still confuse brother…"

"I THOUGHT YOU WERE LISTENING, AL!"

"I was, Ed! But the kitty…"

The older blonde sighed, a hand dragging down his face. "Winry."

Motioning to move the story along, Al tried his best to listen.

"I stayed with her for a bit to help take care of the kids."

"How is this prison and explosive?"

"AL!" Ed gave up; it was just too much stress to explain that Winry was going to have another kid.

"Oooh! You got Winry pregnant again!" Al said cheerily, everything clicking into place. "You did what?"

Edward flinched at the bland tone in his normally sweet brother's voice. "Uh… You have another nephew? Or niece? In a few months?"

Sighing, he got up, and initiated a well placed kick to Ed's head. "How did you even get here?"

"Mustang transmuted me here by accident. Apparently Hawkeye came across some more alchemic circles and the bastard managed to figure out the meanings. Or so he told me."

"Brother…" Sighing again he walked out of the room. "Just fix the hole when you leave…"

"Uh… I can't get out…" But by the time Ed looked up, Al was gone. "Huh. Probably off to go tell that pipsqueak and her pet."

"I heard that brother!"

"Damn."


	12. CHIME CHIME

**I'm losing my miiiiiind. Last chapter my head exploded. Twice. I found another replacement. So I'm making this quic- oooohh nooooo! THE INSANITY. ITS BACK! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHA! -runs around screaming like a chicken with its head cut off, but a couple hundred decibels louder- ACCHI! KOCCHI! WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! ANEMIA! OH ANEMIA! THOU SHALT BE MY PASSING! Shakespearean. Not for the faint of heart (ahem) brain (ahem). -head splodes and body collapses on the ground-**

**-draws the words with still moving fingers-**

**Don't. Own. FMA.**

* * *

Day 11

"Hughes." Mustang outrightedly said once he picked up the ringing phone at his desk.

"Wow Roy! You knew it was me right off the bat! How'd ya know?" The metallic sounding voice of Maes Hughes, Roy's best friend and partner in crime (pranks, Riza took the other partnership in crime), floated though.

"You always call at this ti-"

"Hey wait! Do you have a ringtone for me or something? All those personal phones have started having that! I bet government phones do to! So what's my ringtone Roy?" Once again, he was getting excited. A little _too_ excited for Roy's taste as Riza bore down his desk with cold eyes.

"Hughes, I really have to g-"

"What's my ringtone Roy?" The exuberant sounding man was enough to rile anyone up, presuming the person being annoyed actually _knew_ Hughes _personally_.

"Hughes, this is a government phone, you know we don't have ringtones. It's just standard ringing." Now putting pressure on his eyes and forehead in an effort to alleviate the oncoming headache, Mustang sat back in his chair and stared at the ceiling while signing for help from Hawkeye. Unfortunately, she left him a note on the desk saying she was taking a break. "_Just my luck._"

"Elysia told me this morning the ringtone for me at home is a chirping sound! Isn't that cute? So what's my ringtone in your office Roy?"

"Hughes..._Let's see. The gloves are in the drawer beneath the draw for pens and ink. The telephone wire has been replaced recently and is still under warranty. I think Full Metal mentioned something about fire through a telephone line being as easy as making a speaker through a train door or something_" He was trying to breathe calmly, but that wasn't working too well.

"Oh yeah, Elysia says hi~! But seriously Roy. Have you thought about getting a ringtone for Riza when she ca-"

"FINE IT'S A DAMMED 'SHUT THE HELL UP AND GO BACK TO WORK HUGHES!'"

"Huh. Well that's an odd ringtone."

"…" Silence reigned through the line as Mustang gritted his teeth and slipped on his gloves. The next line about ringtones would cause Maes a slightly burned ear. Maybe an ear drum.

"Have you thought about chan- _click_"

A growl had started to emanate from him until the sudden, but familiar, clicking sound echoed through the line. It was familiar enough he forgot where it was he heard it. But he knew it wasn't the sound of the phone being hung up. Suddenly Hughes voice was back, sounding strained and hoarse.

"I'll. I'll have to call you back, Roy. But there's someone who wants to speak to you."

"Oh?" A raised eyebrow at the statement and a grin were on his face, he knew what happened.

"Yes. Now get back to work, Sir." A feminine voice said over the phone.

"Thank you, Hawkeye."


End file.
